At What Point? - PART 1
‘Didn’t they just remodel this place?’ Scott mentally sighted as he looked around, the quickly dilapidating, Century III Mall. Even drenched in holiday decorations the place looked sad. He was twenty minutes early for a meeting and his stomach grumbled queasily as he shuffled through the food court. ‘I wonder if a quick bite to eat would settle me.’ But with the thought of losing his insides - the notion passed; as the greasy aroma of the Chick-a-filet clung in the air.
“Hey! Huffman!”
Scott spun around, well did his best to spin, the result being less then graceful, not that he had expected anything more. ‘Alex – Shit what the hell is Burrows doing here?’ All he could do was smile as he processed the approach of one of his best friends.
“Alex, been a while. How’s it going at CMU?” Scott’s words slipped from his mouth in a friendly manner while he wished this little exchange would end.
“Ok - I guess. No, actually it’s a bitch. Too much god-damn work!”
“Bitch all you want, I just don’t wana to hear it. I thought you were a mad man when you told me you were doing a triple major. Hell, I even tried to talk some scene into you. But -no– you had to tackle English Lit, Math, and Elementary Ed all at once.”
“Are you done with the sarcastic tirade? On edge today lil boy or just channeling the ‘Drama Queen’ He quipped with a limp wrist.
Scott’s typically light ruddy complexion drew to a deeper blush upon those words. ‘Damn him! Yeah we joke in private, but he doesn’t know when to stop. It’s not like I introduce him as my Hetero Leather Daddy best friend!’ Time for verbal payback. “Cute. Don’t you have a girlfriend somewhere to tie up?”
“No dude. We broke up.”
“What? Was the rope burn getting to rough or didn’t she like the ball gag? And you wonder why you can’t keep a girl. Last time I checked, ‘hog-tied’ wasn’t in the Karma Sutra.” Scott realized that he may have gone to far with that as Alex’s brow furrowed. “Alex...”
“Fuck you Huffman! At least I have a sex life unlike your sorry ass.”
‘I crossed the line. Damn it! The Rule: we don’t discuss sex lives unless necessary or in private confidence’ When Scott came out to Alex, it had been on impulse and to calm Scott, Alex confided his domination based sex life. And the Rule was formed over a pact were they kept each others secret.
Looking past Peter to clear his head and formulate a response, his eyes flashed over the clock that sat on the Mrs. Fields counter ‘Shit, 11:55. Five minutes before I’m supposed to meet Travis!’ His mouth dropped open and became a tiny bit flustered. “Um, look, Alex, sorry, I, I went a lil too...”
“Just drop it, ok? I’m running late anyway, I’ll call you and we can hang out.”
Scott could barely mutter: “Ok,” before Alex had already dashed out of his sight. He had just minutes before he was to meet with Travis and was glad his friend had not inquired as to why he was there. Scott was not a mall shopper, usually, and most of the world knew it.
‘What the hell does he look like? Damn, we chatted for months, we talked on the phone, and I sent him my picture, but the stats he gave me could be anyone of the guys that just passed me! Tall and lean; the frat boy type.’ Scott sighed again - this could not turn out well; he just had a feeling, and the previous attempts of meeting, his so-called friends he made online, invaded his thoughts – all failures.
It was noon and he looked around. No one... twelve fifteen and still it seemed that there wasn’t a sole that could have resembled Travis left in the mall. The same went for twelve thirty and one o’clock. By one thirty he was sitting on a mall bench, watching the Christmas shoppers bustle around. They were all buying things, things for the people they loved or even just cared about. Scott looked down at his watch and sighted once again, “2:57…” he had been in his depressing trance for too long and needed to get the hell out of there before he felt any worse. This time it wasn’t nerves that jarred his stomach – it was his own feeling of being sick of himself.
Walking to his car, Scott’s mind began to churn… ‘I thought we were cool, I mean it was his idea to meet. He knew what I looked like, I e-mailed him may picture and I made no deceptions about my stature. I told him I wasn’t exactly in shape, at 5’10 and 230; I wasn’t the going to be in an A&F catalog any time soon let alone in their store. But he said - it was cool – those were his words, but what the hell would someone like him want with me? Oh God! Had he seen me walking up? He could have been any one of those people I saw. I should have told him…’
His thoughts trailed off when he realized his was standing in front of his car, in the chilled air of a Pittsburgh winter with tears streaming down his face. “Fuck.” He had wanted to scream it to the world but it only sputtered out under his breath. He wiped his eyes and drove down the hill exiting the mall, passing the Krispy Kreme at the end of the drive.
He was tempted by the “Hot Donut” sign, to bury his sadness in however many dozens he could consume before he exploded, but his depression kicked him. ‘The last thing your fat ass needs is a donut! But would it really matter? It not like you would find someone if you had a 32 inch waist. You’re a freak. People stare at freaks; they certainly don’t date freaks, let alone love them.’
“Freak.” The word hung on his breath that could be seen in the frigid space of the car. Heat reminded him of love and closeness, something him didn’t have. The cold felt comforting, he knew the cold. The heater in his car remained off; why bother – heat was empty.
Scott cried to himself that night while having disjointed thoughts. Trying to figure out where he was in life; his answers only intensified the tears. ‘20, I made it to 20 – now what? I’m doing what just about all my friends are doing. I mean, I’m in college, but what do I want to do?... I can’t seem to concentrate anymore... God, my grades are going to hell – My parents will kill me... Shit, I have to meet with Tim down at the Waterfront tomorrow; he wants me to meet his girl of the week... Why don’t I have anybody...’ His last thought ended with a sob before sleep overtook him. It wasn’t peaceful, but he rarely slept any more, so he took what he could get, tears and all.